What now?

I’m alive but not living

A+fear+of+mediocrity+burdens+me.

Photo by Allison Grimaldo

“A fear of mediocrity burdens me.”

Seventeen years old with nothing but ambition and dreams.

Top five percent of the 2014 senior class, ranked number 36 out of 923 students, 3.8 unweighted GPA; yet my future is uncertain.

I’m not prepared.

“You have such good grades! You can get into any college you want!”

If only it was at easy as it sounds.

There’s so much I want to do with my life. So many languages I want to speak, so many countries I want to visit, places where I want to work, knowledge I want to gain, clothes I want to wear.

“Oh my god, you’re such an overachiever!”

I can’t help but roll my eyes every single time someone tells me that. My face burns red from rage. As if being an “overachiever” is a bad thing. What do they think will make me stand out from the rest and succeed?

Seventeen years old with nothing but stress and uncertainty.

I know what I want to do with my life; I don’t know how to get there.

I’m graduating in two months. I’ve been looking forward to graduation since the day I started high school. Now that I’m so close, what’s next?

What now?

When I’m not doing homework, I’m daydreaming. All I can do is contemplate a perfect future and plan out all the details.

I feel as if my life is passing right by me. I’m alive but not living; just planning.

Seventeen years old with nothing but nostalgia, anxiety and envy.

I always think of what I don’t have, what I’m not. Jealousy consumes me; I can’t help it.

A fear of mediocrity burdens me.

Then suddenly an optimistic spark strikes right through me; a motivation to succeed inspires me to go on. I can do it. All those goals and ambitions will only become a reality if I make them one. I have already made it this far. I am only 17 years old and have my whole life ahead of me.