I remember it so clearly. The last few days at home. Packing my suitcase, saying goodbye to most of my friends and crying while at the same time being so excited. It was the last night in my own bed, the last night in my own house…the last night of home.

Schiphol Airport. Amsterdam. Aug. 12, 2015. It was time to go. I had waited more than a year for this moment, but I couldn’t help myself from feeling like crap. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do. When I saw all of my friends and family standing on the other side of the line, I knew that this would be the last time I’d see them for 12 months.

I arrived in New York to spend three days with other exchange students from all over the world. The time spent there was amazing and those were the only days in my year so far that I have not been homesick.

The first two weeks of my exchange year were a nightmare because of the problems I had with my host family. I transferred to my current host family where my exchange year could finally begin.

It has been 128 days since I left my town…my home. I still think that this is the best decision I’ve ever made. I wanted to experience the American way, and I’m doing that right now. It’s more than I ever hoped for. I’m enjoying almost every moment of it, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss home. I miss home every second of every day.

Being an exchange student is like riding a never ending roller coaster of emotions. I can go from being the happiest person I’ve ever known to the most depressed human being on earth.

I have never felt so loved by the people around me, but I have also never felt so alone. There are moments where you just want to book the first flight home because the homesickness keeps getting worse and worse.

I still have two shirts in my suitcase that I have yet to wear. They smell like home. They make it feel like I’m home again, even if it’s just for a moment. When I close my eyes I can see my house, the fireplace with my dog in front of it, dinners with my family and the beautiful sunsets in my garden.

What I miss the most about home is not being able to share this experience with the people I love the most: my parents, family and closest friends. During the moments that I enjoy this year the most, including partaking in Thanksgiving, playing the part of the queen in “Cinderella” and making various achievements, I’m also so emotional. I wish those I love could be here to see it. That they don’t have to hear what it is like. That they can see and feel what it is like.

They say that an exchange year changes you. It’s supposed to make you stronger, more independent, more grown up. It has and it will continue to do so. This exchange year has changed me. I’m not the same person. I’ve become a better version of myself. A version that I never thought I could be. And I’m so grateful for that.

I still have 175 days left in the United States of America. 175 days in America until I see my parents, family and friends. 175 days left until I will be home again.