I scan the halls, looking for a familiar face.

I find none.

***

You and I had been best friends since kindergarten. That first day we sat together was the start of the best and worst relationship I would ever endure.

Our first real fight was about a new girl I started hanging out with. You were mad that I was spending time with her instead of you and that made me upset. I said stupid things I didn’t mean. I remember watching you leave with the rest of the students, walking back to your class. We both said things we regret but, eventually, we forgot about that day.

I remembered you as a girly-girl back in elementary school, but you changed drastically once we arrived to middle school. You became the iconic emo, your bangs layered to one side and always had one headphone in your ear. I had no clue to what this new you would do to our relationship.

You told me you were depressed.

You went through plenty of relationships but some ended worse than others, so I made sure I was there for you. The day you started dating a girl was the day I learned what homosexuality was. This girl left you heartbroken.

I’m a Christian so I don’t believe in same-sex dating but I still supported your decision. The ones closest to you did not support you, so I pressured myself to make sure you knew I was there when you needed me.

Before long, I found out you had been performing acts of self harm. I wanted to see why you wanted to do that to yourself so I tried it. The next day I told you that I attempted and I still remember the look of fear on your face. You forced me to show you my wrists. Relief crossed your face when you saw that nothing was there. “Don’t ever do that again!” you said. You made me promise that I would never try again and I haven’t since then.

When your parents found out you were depressed, they decided to move out into the country. You were gone that first day of summer. Communication was strenuous, but we found a way by talking through Facebook and email. We spoke constantly for the first year of being separated, however, life was not the same.

We used to send letters to each other and little gifts on our birthdays. I always loved opening your letters and reading about your new life. We grew apart and the letters stopped coming. I still have little gifts I was never able to send to you. I just can’t bring myself to let them go.

Tenth grade was the hardest year for me. We rarely communicated anymore and I started to be depressed. Since I was there for you, I thought you would be there for me.

But you weren’t.

I texted you ‘hey’ four times in a span of a day. Your response? You called me annoying and told me to shut up and to stop texting you. Do you know how much that hurt me? Luckily I had teachers who cared enough about me to be there for me. I figured I should take you out of my life for good but I could never went through with it. You and I still talk once in a while but it’s never the same. The conversations were more like two acquaintances would have, not best friends.

I just thought I mattered more to you.