Column: Finding a reason to continue

‘Now I can officially say I love myself without any hesitation.’


Madison Ward

“The next day, I found a distraction to help me ignore the pain I felt.”

Darkness loomed around the room, leaving the moon as the only source of light shining through my window. My eyes stayed locked on the pill bottle on the nightstand. To me, it seemed like the perfect escape away from everything. Stress. Fights. My life.

Do it.

I grabbed the bottle off the stand, attempting to twist the lid off over and over again until I heard the lid pop.

Do it.


The number of pills the bottle held inside. All of them poured out onto my hand like sugar.

Do it.

Tears streamed down my face as I realized I was still weak.

So weak I couldn’t take the pills.

I couldn’t bring myself to do it, no matter how exhausted I was from not being enough. I told myself to give it another chance.

To give life another chance.

The next day, I found a distraction to help me ignore the pain I felt.

People always say an artist “saved their life.” As cliche as it sounds, it became a reality for me. I struggled to motivate myself during junior year with the stress of not making perfect grades but then I found encouragement to keep going.

When I thought no one cared if I disappeared, I found seven guys who had a passion for music and a goal to express loving yourself before you can love someone else.

BTS, a Korean boy band who spread its message of loving and speaking for yourself. Music isn’t based on language, it’s based on the message given whether it’s in the tone or lyrics.

They gave me the strength to ignore thoughts inside my head which wanted to harm me. I started to love my flaws that were rejected by society.

I was able to see I never walked alone on this dark path I believed I was stuck on. Within the fandom, I found others who shared the same story as me.

Having a tendency of keeping things bottled up until I overflow with emotion, BTS helped me open up to struggles with my family and friends.

By their message, I was able to confide to my mother about my stress. Even when I’m exhausted, I can always be energized by listening to their music.

I believe I found BTS when I needed them. When I needed to hear their message so I would stop being so negative toward myself.

Now I can officially say I love myself without any hesitation.

I wouldn’t be smiling as much as I do today without them. They gave me the strength and wings to fly to do what I want.

To pursue what I want.