Let’s get this straight.

I don’t hate Halloween, but it doesn’t compare to the other holidays. Halloween doesn’t even come close.

Do you remember when your parents used to tell you “don’t go door-to-door, it’s unsafe?” Well, mom and dad, I have a question. Why is it that on Halloween I am now allowed to knock on strangers’ doors and openly accept candy? Isn’t that dangerous? I can’t on Thanksgiving? What makes Halloween so special?

Halloween has been a worldwide phenomenon for more than 2,000 years. Previously known as Samhain or All Hallows’ Eve, it was celebrated like New Year’s. The tradition has since changed.

Be honest, how much do you spend on costumes a year? A ridiculous amount, right? In 2014 people spent an average of $77.52 on Halloween. That includes adult costumes, children’s costumes, candy and animal costumes. It’s one night a year! One night! Who really cares what your costume is? You’ll get a few compliments like “Oh that’s cute!” and “Cool costume dude,” but do you really need approval that bad? I assure you there are other ways to achieve approval.

My rule of thumb? If you are going to buy a costume, get something simple and cheap. Wear it a couple years in a row and then buy something else simple.

Listen up ladies! Simple does NOT mean minimal. Simple would be some black cat ears and an all black outfit, not a miniscule piece of fabric. Before you go out and buy that super small costume, really think about it, you will probably regret that decision later. Trust me, you will gain a lot more respect if you wear something appropriate and the right people will be attracted to you.

On Halloween night if you respectfully decide not to dress up, you are usually at home. Which means you either give out candy, say “sorry, all out” a couple hundred times a night, or turn off your lights and try to be completely silent. I, of course, turn off my lights.

But despite my efforts, they STILL ring my doorbell. Why in the world would you ring the doorbell of a completely dark house? Can’t you take a hint? A dark house is a dark house for a reason.

Although I love haunted houses, October has been decided the only month when they are allowed. Please tell me what makes this seem logical. Maybe a day in July I feel like getting disturbed by gory gruesome images. What if they just had a Halloween special attraction, instead of making me wait 10-12 months?

This needs to change ASAP. All in favor say “I.”

To those idiotic people who hide in bushes to scare little kids … it isn’t funny. At all. Someday you are going to scare the living daylights out of some poor kid, and it won’t be joke anymore.

Personally, if I walk past a bush and someone jumps out, I don’t care if it is a joke–you are probably going home with a bruise.

Fight or flight, man.

I hate clowns with a fiery passion. They put on a bunch of white makeup, have huge feet, big bellies, red noses and a permanent smile which gives me some serious creeps. Normal smiles aren’t bad, but combine it with some seriously scary eyes, and it becomes something out of a nightmare. Also, it seems like all clowns on planet earth don’t know what personal space is. So they just keep getting closer and closer. With all these things combined it makes the perfect Halloween costume for many people. Not me, definitely not me. On average, I see 20-30 clowns every Halloween and every single one seems to terrify me.

Only one night a year all these things happen simultaneously. I try and ignore it; nevertheless, it still torments me yearly, and thus that is why Halloween is the worst.

As a mummy would say, that’s a wrap!